Ten Top Tips For Not Getting A Visa

1. Ignore international relations

This was the first hurdle we careered into. Iran really aren’t too keen on Israeli stamps, which meant an urgent new passport for one of our team.

2. Go on extended holidays in the meantime

Even though we knew we were already tight for time in terms of acquiring all the necessary visas, we all headed off to various corners of the world, with a sort of blind sense of optimism that it would probably be fine… This did at least provide a good test of how our natural immune systems would cope in foreign environments without any of the recommended vaccinations.

3. Check embassy opening times en route to the embassy

We were particularly good at this one. In the space of 72 hours last week we visited London three times, missed the opening hours for embassies twice (and had to call ahead to ask them to remain open the third time…), and came away with only one visa. Add in a fine for not having a valid train ticket (because we turned around in the station once we realised our error), and the extortionate fees for express services, our complete incompetence cost us dearly.

4. Go to the wrong embassy

This may sound ridiculous, but having queued up in the Mongolian embassy for an hour or so, the lady in front of me was devastated to find out that Belarus was actually next door. What’s more, during the time she’d been shuffling forward patiently, but entirely pointlessly, it had closed.

5. Ask questions

While applying for an eVisa, I contacted the supplier to clarify a few queries I had before proceeding with the application; How do I return the forms? Is a scanned photo acceptable? That sort of thing. The response: “We didn’t receive any documents, please try again.” Helpful.

6. Assume embassies want to grant you a visa

Don’t assume that they will go out of their way to make the process an easy one. Yes, you can conveniently print a new application form in the Russian embassy, if you happen to have £6.50 in exact change on you. Why do they even bother?

7. Suffer from amnesia

One of the actual questions on the Russian visa application is: “List all countries you have visited in the last ten years and indicate the date of visit”. Good luck with that one.

8. Be self-employed

A fellow rallier, while applying for a Russian visa, was asked for three years worth of bank statements showing £100 going into their account every day. They may as well have asked for a recital of the entirety of War and Peace, in Russian. I must have been sent to the sympathy queue, however, as having produced a couple of months’ worth of statements showing that I had essentially no money at all, I was given a piece of scrap paper and asked to write “I am self-employed”, and then sign it. Apparently this was a sufficient alternative to being Richard Branson. Or Tolstoy.

9. Engage in niche pastimes

If you’ve been trained in biological or chemical substances, a holiday in St. Petersburg is definitely off the cards.

10. Try and go to Turkmenistan at all

The success of any visa application here seems largely to depend on just how hungover the embassy staff are on the day, and how busy the Northern Line was that morning. An unfortunate combination of tube strikes, and what must have been a particularly boozy Turkmen national holiday, means one member of our team is still not legally allowed to enter the country.